Don’t harass my child….

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Or I will fucking cut you!

My daughter is in her second year of girl scouts. Last year was an experience I would never want to repeat, and thankfully we were transferred to a different troop, so we won’t have to.

Here’s the thing….my daughter enjoys being part of the Girl Scouts. She has friends in her troop, and she likes doing the fun activities with them and her awesome troop leader. She knows nothing about the political agenda of the people who protest the organization due to their skewed sense of righteousness. She doesn’t know what Planned Parenthood is, because SHE’S 7!!!

So, here’s an idea. If you have something against a non-profit organization, take it up with headquarters, and not the innocent child trying to learn public speaking, money handling, and how to get along with other girls.

If you don’t want to buy cookies, then don’t. It doesn’t hurt the girls’ feelings, and they won’t follow you to your car, begging. A simple “no thank you” will suffice. We don’t have a quota, but if we did, there are plenty of people who have been asking for the crack cookies since October. Don’t be a pussy and try to hide. The children are observing you, and judging learning from your behavior. Don’t be rude in your response, or mama bear just might follow you to your car (kidding. Sort of.).

Here’s something to think about, though. When you feel the venom rising, and it’s about to push through your lips, remember that before every meeting, the girls recite the pledge of allegiance, the girl scout promise, and this:

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So, when you are finding ways to put down a group of children, they are doing everything possible to build each other up.

Worst Habits

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1. I eat my dinner in the bathtub.
2. I go to sex clubs.
3. I watch freaky people getting it on.

Kidding! Kidding! Eating in the tub is gross!!

I don’t have very many bad habits, but probably the worst is being late all the time. It’s not that I feel my time is more important, or that I don’t want to follow through on the plans we’ve made. I just get distracted very easily.

Also, and I don’t know if this is a habit or a quirk, but I spout song lyrics and movie quotes all the damn time. I’m sure it gets annoying for the friends/family who have to look them up. Luckily, I have two friends who “get” me, so we’ll usually end up quoting an entire movie.

That’s it. Two that I can think of. I’m sure the mister or the bestie with testes would be able to think of a million more, but nah nah, na nah nah…they’re not here.

So, what are some of your bad habits?

Pet Peeves

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I’m a bit of a curmudgeon, so I have a lot of pet peeves.

1. We all make mistakes. Humans, by nature, are NOT infallible. Please, for the love of all that’s good and right in the world, proofread. Nothing makes me want to stop reading a blog faster than someone too lazy or quick on the draw to hit that send button before making sure they’re using the right “their” over there!!!!

2. Eating like a cow chewing cud is a big negative in my house. As appealing as your dinner looks on your plate, I don’t need to see it being masticated. Also, please trust me when I say, anything you need to say to me can wait until you’ve swallowed that bite.

3. People who just post a “news” story without researching it. This happens on social media A LOT!! Seriously, ma! I don’t think Channing Tatum died in a freak skiing accident (damn it all to hell!). No, Facebook is not going to close your account if you don’t post that stupid legal notice.

4. OPMs aka. Other People’s Monsters.  My children are not the best behaved. I admit that. They ARE NOT the ones in a restaurant screaming at the top of their lungs, or running between the tables. They ARE NOT the ones in a movie theater that will just not shut up. I know you think it’s just darling that little Susie asks you a million questions about whyistheboybeingmeantothegirl and whydoesthegirlstilllovetheboy and whydoesthebutteronthepopcorncomeoutsoyellow and whycan’tihavecandy and whydoesthesodamakemytummyhurt and whyisthatladytellingmeshhhhhhhuuush and ireallyreallyreallyneedtopee and MOMMYINEEDTOGOPOTTYRIGHTNOW!!!, but the other members of the audience who also paid good money to see this movie, absolutely do not think it’s cute.

5. Drivers who wait until the last-minute to switch into a turn lane. You’ve driven the same route for a year now. You know that the middle lane is not for turning, yet you wait at the red light while all of us lowly, non-Lexus drivers wait in the correct lanes, and then when the light turns green, BOOM! cut us off. Here’s a little clue. Your Lexus is just an overpriced Toyota. Your Infinity is just a high-end Nissan. You are no better than me! Stop cutting me off!!!

Oh my gosh! My lists could go on forever, but I don’t want to bore you to death. Suffice it to say, I am the equivalent of the old man shouting “STAY OFF MY LAWN!!!” at all the elementary kids getting out of school.

Seriously. I’ve done it, already.

Mawwage

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How does one go from a loving embrace to wanting to throat punch someone within a few hours?

Be married to my husband.

He’s a good man, a hard worker, a great friend, BUT if he doesn’t drop the bass from his voice when speaking to me soon, he’s going to be no more.

We have been married for almost 13 years, and we’ve been a couple for 15. Ups and downs like any healthy relationship (with a few misdeeds on both of our parts). We have two beautiful, if not conscientious children.

We have different parenting styles. I prefer to nip the behavior(s) in the bud, while he has an “I’m laid back until you annoy me to the point of exploding” approach. Homework in our house is a Sisyphean effort. I tackle the reading, writing, social studies, and projects. He warily approaches fifth grade math. It may seem like an unfair division, but as I’ve said before….many, many times….I don’t math.

The problem with this is simple. The mister works all day, and gets home usually between 6 and 7 p.m. He works in a field where he’s surrounded by whiners all day, so to come home and be bombarded with questions about fractions, decimals, and why the hell any of this is important can be a tad overwhelming to him. This in no way gives him permission to come at me like a spider monkey when I suggest the Prince take his questions to his teacher tomorrow, seeing as how the mister can’t seem to answer a question without a condescending tone. I get it. The boy is a bit of an asshole. He puts off work until the last minute, then expects to be saved. He comes by it naturally. Both his father and I do the same. Damn. Thing.

This has been therapeutic. My pimp hand isn’t twitching half as bad. Now to go listen to some Drowning Pool…

10 Songs I Love Right Now

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Disclaimer: Nowhere in the prompt does it say that these have to be contemporary songs. So, this is actually “10 Songs I Love Forever” 🙂 Enjoy.

Elastic Heart by Sia

Even before the controversy, I loved this song. After seeing the video, I can’t believe Sia felt the need to apologize. People will find evil in the simplest things these days.

Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons

Probably my favorite Mumford song. The glorious video doesn’t hurt, either.
” Hold me fast, Hold me fast
Cause I’m a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I’m under”

Colorblind by Counting Crows

I was already a Crows fan when Cruel Intentions came out, then to hear this hauntingly beautiful song during such a pivotal moment in the movie, absolutely destroyed me in the best way possible.

Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

Oh my darling, you extinguished your talent way too soon, which happens all too frequently among “artists”. I love Amy’s voice and the retro style of her music.

(If You’re Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To by Weezer

Rivers Cuomo et al. are a glorious bunch of misfits, and I’ve loved them since I was in high school **cough20yearsagocough** I was lucky enough to finally see one of their shows thanks to the bestie with testes.

Holding a Heart by Toby Lightman(aka A Girl Named Toby)

Best. Scene. Ever.

Eddie: Daisy Darling, today I make these vows to you. I will never rhyme “crazy” with “Daisy,” even if I mean like “crazy good.” I will not blow my nose in the shower. I promise to always consult you before getting a haircut, and never grow a mustache.

Daisy: Or a soul patch!

Eddie: Or a soul patch.

Daisy: I will not blame you for the bad decisions you make in my dreams. I will keep an eye on that suspicious freckle on your back, even though I’m really sure it’s nothing. And I will not get mad at you about everything when I am only really mad at you about one thing.

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FAHK THIS IS HARD!! IT’S LIKE CHOOSING WHO MY FAVORITE CHILD IS!!!

Bodies by Drowning Pool

Lest you think I am single minded in my music choices, the next few will show you my eclectic taste. This particular song is great for cleaning house, or “cleaning house” iykwim….

Con Te Partiro by Andrea Bocelli

If his voice doesn’t give you goosebumps, you are dead to me! Just kidding, but he does have a beautiful tone,  and the duet of this song with Sarah Brightman is equally beautiful. Not gonna lie, this was the first version of the song I ever heard, though. I was kind of a club kid.

Desvelado by Bobby Pulido

You’d think, growing up in Corpus Christi, TX as I did, I’d pick a song by Selena, but no. I wasn’t a huge fan before her death, and afterwards her overexposure made me even less of a fan. Bobby Pulido was my teenage crush. I can’t say that I understand all of the lyrics (I’m only half Mexican, and my daddy never taught me Spanish), but when he sings that he is walking down the street, sleepless, listening to the radio, and he’s searching for his angel’s voice….it sure does make my heart all aflutter.

Hosanna by Hillsong United

I love Christian pop. I love Gospel music. I even love old school hymns. I have a relationship with God. It may not be a perfect one, but what relationship is? I’m not a holy roller, and I’m not a missionary. I won’t try to convince you that your beliefs are wrong, and unless you start it, I won’t have a religious conversation with you. You can’t deny the intensity of this song, though.

So, this is my list. It in no way encompasses all of my favorites. I love all music (except rap!!), and I will give anything a listen. What are some of your favorites?

What Am I Afraid Of?

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Jesus! The easier question would be “What am I NOT afraid of?”

I’m afraid of heights. Not just any heights, because I can go on an airplane and I can zipline. Very specifically, I am afraid of heights with a ledge. Ladders, cliffs, and anything that has “overlook” in its description.

I’m afraid to be alone. I’d rather be in a horrible relationship than be alone. I’ve been in some seriously codependent partnerships.

I’m afraid of roaches. Yeah, I know they don’t physically hurt people, but they are creepy as fuck! When I was little, we lived with my aunt and uncle for a while, and they had those flying waterbugs!! Nightmares came alive in that house! Don’t even get me started on Joe’s Apartment! How anyone thought that was a good idea, I’ll never know!

I’m afraid of puberty. Not mine, of course. That’s long done and over with. I have an 11 year old boy and an almost 8 year old girl. Both highly emotional already. One of us might not make it out alive. I want in on the pot once y’all decide the odds.

I’m absolutely NOT afraid of dying. I’m very sure that my children will be well taken care of. My husband may struggle in understanding me, but he adores our children. My parents are only in their fifties, so I’m hoping they will be around for a while longer, and they love my children, as well. I feel like I’ve started a solid foundation in my babies, so I’ve accomplished a lot in my mind.

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Narcissism: Defined

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The second prompt for January is 20 facts about me.  This is pretty much up my alley, since I can write about my favorite subject. Me. Of course!

1. I have a male best friend. I know! I know! According to Harry Burns women and men can never be friends, but it’s absolutely possible. Especially when neither of us has the physical attributes the other finds attractive. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, and he’ll make some girl very happy, but it ain’t me.

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2. I have no tact. I try. Really, I do. It’s hard to keep my mouth shut when something annoys, angers, aggravates, or astounds me.

3. I enjoy alliteration.

4. Boom! I also like a well placed onomatopoeia.

5.  I love cooking. Just not when it’s expected of me. I like to experiment with recipes, but my children are too picky, so I can’t.

6. I’m a Sagittarius. Actually, I’m double Sagittarius with Gemini rising. I don’t believe in the horoscope portion of the zodiac, like I don’t read it everyday, but personality-wise, it’s pretty spot on.

7. The oxford comma makes me happy, gleeful, and giddy.

8. I have an unhealthy addiction to social media. I’ve basically quit cold turkey, and it’s killing me slowly. Facebook had all of my “real life” friends, so now I never know what anyone is up to. Instagram fueled the attention whore in me. I was a self-appointed “selfie queen”. Twitter was my cup of tea, because most of my thoughts during the day are 140 characters or less. Unfortunately, I am a huge flirt. I’m also slightly inappropriate, and have boundary issues. This puts a dent in my personal relationships (i.e. my marriage).

9. I have a fairly decent memory. I can remember the most random details. Don’t ask me to repeat your name 5 minutes after I meet you, though.

10. I am in my 3rd cancer free year.

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11. I love to read, but I haven’t found anything that has sparked my interest lately, so I return to the classics.

12. I’m not a big drinker. I used to be. Now, when I drink, I usually get sick, or can’t catch a buzz. There is no in between. This makes me sad.

13. I was in drill team in high school. Sometimes I still do 8 counts in my head while listening to music.

Go drill team, go drill team!

14. I love all styles of music. Except rap. Unless it’s old school gangsta rap. I’ll listen to Public Enemy, NWA, and Tupac all day errday.

15. I am a makeup junkie. I live by the rule “They’re not the same, they’re similar”.

16. Feminism confuses me. On one hand, yes, I think women and men should be treated fairly. On the other, we should understand that women and men will never be equal, because we are two very different sexes with different capabilities. The rest is a matter of respect.

17. I haven’t worked full time in 11 years.

18. I love all things 50’s kitsch. Clothing, jewelry, shoes, underpinnings, and furniture.
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19. I am sarcastic by nature, and feel my greatest accomplishment in life is passing that on to my children.

20. I’m a klutz. I can trip over my own feet at a complete standstill on a windless day. Mystery bruises are a daily occurrence.