Friendship is hard

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I have this friend. I met her at work about five years ago. She’s been with me through some serious shit, but being her friend is difficult, to put it mildly. She tells me that she needs a friend, we make plans, and then she cancels. This has happened more than once.
There is no “typical” when it comes to depression, but I would hazard a guess that her case would pretty much be  textbook. She’s manic with social anxiety, and that, if you’ve never been around it, is a stressful person to be around. She also has a tendency to laugh maniacally while saying that she’s not depressed. It’s quite obvious to those around her, yet she continually denies it.
I’ve tried to be there for her, but I have my own struggles with depression, and I am an emotional empath. I tend to take on other’s pain and mirror them. This is great for them, because they feel like I really understand them. Not so great for me, because not only do I understand them, but I also have to find a way to claw myself up from their abyss.
I don’t have a friend like me. I tend to be drawn to those who are damaged, and damaged people are usually very self involved. I don’t mind being there for the people I love, but sometimes I would like to have a conversation that is not one sided. Sometimes, I would like a friend to ask how I’ve been, and call me on my bullshit when I say, “Fine”. One day, I’d like to be able to listen to a friend’s problems, and when it’s my turn, they pay attention and not just stare blankly until it’s their turn to talk again. I don’t think that’s asking for too much.

If you have a birthday…..

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And no social media, does it really happen?

This is the first birthday since 2008 that I haven’t had some sort of social media, and I gotta say, not having hundreds of strangers wishing me a happy day kinda sucks!

On the other hand, not being on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter means that my actual friends call or text to let me know that they’re thinking of me.

Of course, this also means that I am super aware of how few “real” friends I have. Painful, yet oddly liberating.

What good are birthdays if you can’t ride an emotional roller coaster, right? So here’s to good friends, being a survivor, and another birthday! Here’s to 38, may it feel no worse than 37.wpid-img_20141205_213242.jpg

Day 30: One thing you’re excited for

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Ok. So, I have to let you in on a little secret. The only reason I was pushing to finish this challenge, was for this particular post.

One thing I am excited for is this weekend. If you are a music addict, or slightly in the know about music festivals, you will know that this weekend is the first ACL Fest weekend. I’ve been for the past couple of years, due to my philanthropic bestie with testes. The first year I went, he purchased the wristband as a survivor gift. Last year, I was able to go in a designated driver capacity. This year, I’ll be paying him back, but I’m most excited about it because…..I am taking my children! My son is 10, so this is the last year that he would be able to get in for free with an adult pass. He’s going to be so excited, and he’s been begging for me to take him to a concert. Any concert. He doesn’t care.

The great thing about this festival is the fact that they have a festival in the festival. Austin Kiddie Limits. It’s a kid’s tent that has activities and children’s performers. The School of Rock always performs, and though it’s not the kids from the movie, my children have seen the movie and are in awe of the fact that these people are their age. I can’t wait to show them in person, that they too can play an instrument, if they so choose. My son enjoys most of the music that I do, so I’m sure he’ll want to experience everything there is to experience. My daughter is a Top 40 chick, so the pickings may be slim for her. She’ll enjoy Kiddie Limits, because she likes Steve Songs from PBS Kids, and they will have crafts for her to do.

So, that’s going to be my weekend. Pretty exciting. I can’t wait to introduce my children to this amazing event, and post all of the fun pictures on Monday 🙂

Day 27: A quote you try to live by

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Yes, I know it’s October, and my writing challenge should be finished, but it isn’t. Suck it! Just kidding. You don’t have to suck anything you don’t want to.

This quote, I feel, is a bastardization of:

“Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, and all good things will be yours.” ~ Swedish proverb

I hardly ever let worry or stress control my life, and it drives my husband cuh-razy! He is a constant worrier. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys it, or that it’s what drives him. That’s why I have a feeling he has an ulcer at the moment.  My best friend worries…a lot….about everything. It’s enough to drive a saint to drink.

I’m available to them for advice at a moments notice, even though I know that it will not be taken. I’m a human sounding board, and I will listen to all of their problems. I hardly ever never roll my eyes at what they deem life’s greatest problems at the moment. I love them both. In very different ways. I think that’s the main reason I am able to listen to them, because I love them more than I could ever hate their complaining/worrying.

Day 25: Something you’re currently worrying about

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To be quite honest, I’m currently worried about my best friend. He is the sweetest guy, and he’s going through a buttload of crap at the moment.

Exes suck on g.p., but when you have intertwined DNA to form another human, I can only imagine it sucks way more.

Hang in there buddy. I’m here for you, always 🙂