Sailor Mouth

Standard

I’m trying to put an end to my salty language. I love cuss words. They taste great in my mouth, but I’m really trying. It’s hard, because there are a lot of dumb shits and assholes in this world.

Then my bestie with testes sends something like this: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2m0z9q/hey_reddit_whats_the_best_swear_youve_ever_heard/

If you are a fan of Louis CK, you’ll realize the reason this kind of post defeats my purpose. Louis says, “Everybody – everybody has different words that offend them, different things that they hear that they get offended by – I’m – to me, the thing that offends me the most, is every time that I hear the “N” word. Not “nigger” by the way. I mean the “N” word, literally whenever a white lady on CNN with nice hair says: “The ‘N’ word.” That’s just white people getting away with saying nigger, that’s all that is. They found a way to say nigger. “N word.” It’s bullshit cause when you say the “N word” you put the word nigger in the listeners head.”

I don’t say the word, nor the assumptive phrase he uses, but the reddit post makes me cuss along with them. They are quite imaginative in their vocabulary, and frankly, I’m kind of  jealous.

Cussing, to me, is just one more thing to be addicted to. I don’t do drugs, I hardly drink, and I no longer smoke. After food and social media, cussing is all I have left.

 

Advertisements

Cancer Journal (original post from 2011)

Standard

Top 10 Reasons That Chemo-Induced Baldness is Awesome

#10  Blonde jokes no longer apply

#09  Increased Aerodynamics(important for runners, skydivers, human projectiles)
#08  You can finally drive your convertible to work(no more “wind tunnel” hairdos)
#07  You’ve got a blank canvas for a new tattoo
#06  You’re now ready to audition for the Blue Man Group
#05  Time to get a new drivers license – Hair color:  Invisible.  (see how that one goes over with the cop next time you’re pulled over)
#04  Think of the money you’ll save…no more barber/hairdresser, shampoo, hairspray, dandruff medication, hair dye, etc.
#03  Everyone knows that bald people make better lovers, and if they don’t maybe it’s time you showed them.
#02  It distracts attention from your face (ok, that was just uncalled for)
And the #01 reason that chemo-induced baldness is awesome:
Bald = Sexy (just look at my gorgeous husband, my mbff Richard Goodwin, and actors such as Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, Natalie Portman, and Britney Spears…o.k. she’s hot in a bald and crazy kind of way)
So, this is not my list, but one I found on http://www.cancerisnotfunny.com. If I didn’t have my sense of humor, this thing would have beaten me to a bloody pulp early on.
That being said, yesterday was a bad day.  The badness actually started this weekend, but it came to a head(no pun intended) yesterday evening.  The day started off well.  We walked my son to his first day of second grade, and he promised he was going to have a good year.  As I was sitting at home, I kept picturing the petri dish that is elementary school.  As most of you know, chemo disrupts the immune system, so hypochondriac that I am, I started to worry.  After getting some advice on how I should approach this, I went up to the school to speak with the principal.   After breaking down while telling her about our situation, I was assured that she would let the staff that needs to know(ie. vice principal, counselor, teacher, and nurse) about everything.  She also told me that her sister in law went through treatment last year, which soothed me, because I knew that she would be sympathetic to my plight.
After leaving the school, I got to do my favorite activity!!! I got to pay bills.  Woo hoo!! Hip hip hooray!  It was just my daughter and me, so that was a good thing.  It’s been a while since we had mommy/Cordelia time.  I went to the Wendy’s drive thru for lunch, but was informed that the princess wanted to eat inside. As we are eating our lunch, several of the older patrons stopped by to tell me what a beautiful girl I had…aww.  Hmmm, 12 o’clock. Gotta get home, so we will be on time to pick up Jacob.
We get home, and I notice the apron that a good friend ordered for me.  I had promised the company that I would send them a picture of me wearing it, so I go to get dolled up.  As I am creating my victory rolls, I notice that I am shedding…A LOT!  Well, I knew the day would come, and thought i was prepared.  My running joke has been that I can’t wait for my hair to fall out, so I can quit shaving.  I’ve also said that when it happens, I’m just gonna shave it all off.  Well, the leg hair hasn’t stopped growing, and I chose to get a really short cut instead of looking like daddy(as Cordelia has said I would).  Let me say, nothing prepares a woman for losing her hair.  It’s dramatic, and it hurts your feelings.  Just like a man(j/k honey).  As I was doing my hair for the pictures, I would brush my hair, and with one sweep, it was full.  I was still ok, though.  It’s not like it was falling out in clumps, it was just super shedding.  So, I get it done, and take the pictures, and yes, they are cute.  I called my mom to let her know, and tell her that I am going to have my hair cut that evening.  Thankfully, she offered to come watch the kids, because I hate leaving them sitting alone in the salon.
I get to Great Clips(yes, I know it’s not a “salon”…sue me).  45 minute wait!!!  I need to get it done, so I tell them I will wait.  I knew my husband would be home soon, so my parents wouldn’t have to stay the whole time.  Time goes by, and the place is packed.  I am sitting in a corner when a woman and her teenage son come in.  The only seats available are right next to me.  On the other side is a mom, her son, and daughter.  Her other daughter is getting her hair cut.  They call the sitting daughter, and the mom goes over with her.  The seats are vacated, and I move over.  “I’ll give you a little more elbow room” I say to the mom next to me.  “Thank you so much” she replies.  A father and his two sons come in, so I scoot back to give them seats together.  I play musical chairs until a single seat on the other side of the room opens up.  I am doing perfectly fine this whole time, and then they call the teenage son up. He is right before me.  I feel a tickle.  My throat closes up.  The waterworks begin.  I hate, hate, hate crying in front of people.  I have the same problem as my mother.  We are pretty women, but UGLY criers.  My nose turns bright red, I get splotchy, and my eyes look evil(bloodshot with red eyebrows). I get myself under control, and continue waiting.  Did I mention they have easy listening on?  While I am crying, I have to listen to Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan…fun, huh?  Five minutes, and some other depressing song later, and the stylist calls me up.  I inform her that I will need a shampoo and cut.  Then I explain that when she washes my hair, a lot will come out.  She gives me the pity look, and I let her know that yes, I am going through treatment.  Of course, I am not as cool about it as I make it sound.  I am blubbering the whole time.  She takes me back, washes my hair, and when done, tells me that it isn’t that bad.  Then she proceeds to scoop out what looks like a drowned rat, and throw it in the trash.  She leads me to her chair, and I show her a picture of what I would like done.  She is very hesitant to cut it as short as I want it, but I told her to go for it, and I didn’t want to have to come back in a week(wishful thinking) to have it cut shorter.  We’re about to the halfway point in my haircut, when she is called to the register.  Much discussion ensues, and then she is back.  I didn’t notice who she was talking to, as my back was to the register.  Apparently, dear reader, the mom was listening the whole time, and decided out of the kindness of her heart to take care of my cut + tip.  People never cease to amaze me.  I was humbled, and of course started to cry again.  Heck! I’m crying as I’m typing this.  I wish I could see her, so I could thank her personally.  I know that I will make it a point to pay it forward in some manner.  My family, my friends, and perfect strangers have shown me so much love, and given me renewed hope in mankind.  I love you all for everything you have done, and all of the beautiful, kind thoughts you are sending my way.  Keep praying for me, and I will keep my faith.
This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. – John 15:12
 
You must not lose faith in humanity.  Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. – Mahatma Ghandi