Could we not…

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I have a secret. I’m a southern woman, and I don’t (gasp) like football. I know!! Travesty.
Don’t get me wrong. I will sit through a Cowboys game, and I’ll talk shit about Romo, but don’t expect me to know what a 2 point conversion (or when the best time to try one) is. I don’t understand the rules of flagging. Don’t get me started on breaking the plane!! That just seems like cheating and I don’t like it.
I can easily admit that the appeal of the Super Bowl is the snacks, and also the Pepsi commercials which are always a treat.

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What to do if Someone tries to Hug You!

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Two steps:
1. Lick your hand
2. Wipe it down their face

Problem solved. You’re welcome.

HarsH ReaLiTy

We have all been in these situations and judging from my previous post on hugging I can see the world could use some of my advice on what to do if someone tries to hug you! It is true, it happens and it needs to stop. The spreading of germs and unwanted affection is prevalent in today’s society and the forcing of physical interaction back is appalling. Here is what I do in these situations.

My immediate reaction, as I told one commenter today, to being unexpectedly hugged is to put my left arm in front of my chest for protection while stepping back into my attacker. I then ninja flip them and follow up with a one, two spider kick. Now I realize not everyone has been to the Super Hero Academy in Huntsville, Alabama. That’s ok because not everyone is cut out for that life, but anyone can…

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No Bitterness Detected

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This. This is one of the top 5 factors that keep me married 😉

Soon2BeCatLady

Kudos to @DatingMary who came across this profile, that shows absolutely no hint of bitterness or frustration whatsoever:

About Me:

I am looking for a woman who will:

– Turn down the radio when I am driving in traffic to tell me about your friend who always seems to date the same types of jerks because she’s an idiot

– Change the playoff game so that you can watch a rerun of Gossip Girl

– Ask a lot of questions during movies

– Ensure everyone understands how bad animal products are

– Leave her face on my pillow case when she goes home so it’s like she’s still there

Inquire within.  Thank you.  Management

If you are applying, please include the following obligatory pictures of you:

– Kissing a dolphin

– In the color race

– Skydiving

– With a statue or wax figure

– By the pool or on…

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We’re Not Friends

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I’m what some would call a “giver”. In friendships, at work, and with family…if I care about you in any way, I will go above and beyond to make you happy. I don’t expect anything in return, except  appreciation. No grand gestures are needed. Just an honest “thank you” will suffice.
That being said, even a “giver” has their limits. When a person comes into my life who only takes, it’s a drain. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then you have those “takers” who also become a drain on my pocketbook. Someone who has just enough of a sob story to tug on the heartstrings. Nothing major. A bad relationship or a bump in the road financially. This person doesn’t come along often, but when they do, my optimistic nature always hopes for the best. A true Sagittarian, life has yet to beat the bright side out of me. (Some would call it naivety.)
There’s a little girl woman I met two years ago. She lived next door and our daughters attended the same kindergarten class. Our friendship started tentatively…on my part. Then the stories began. She got evicted from her last home for absolutely no reason. Her ex was a deadbeat. Her new boyfriend’s ex is a psycho. Her health is failing.
Then I find out: they hadn’t paid rent for two months; she left her ex for her current; he was married to his ex when they met. Her health I can’t really say, because after I found out that her mother had common traits of Münchhausen by proxy, I started backing away from the friendship.
Now, I’m not one for confrontation. I’m the type who will stay in a relationship and irritate the other person to the point of breaking things off with me…. yes, I realize how immature that is. Even so, I actually had the guts to tell this girl that I didn’t think our friendship was going to work (after catching her in several more lies). The problem being, our daughters were still friends, AND it was only halfway through the school year. I kept my cool and remained civil throughout the next year and a half,  even allowing my daughter to invite her friend for sleepovers(since they weren’t in the same 1st grade class) and she to go to sleepovers.
During this past summer, I changed my phone number. I did the requisite group text to those I felt needed to reach me. She Some people didn’t make the cut. Imagine my surprise when I hear my doorbell ring one day, and I open it to find her on the other side. “I’ve tried calling, but it said your number was out of service”, she says, confusedly. “Really? I sent my new number to all of my friends”, I say, passive/aggressively.  Actually, no. I don’t say that. Because I can’t be mean to people I view as weak. I gave her my number, but I sure hope her phone has a technological burp, and loses it.

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The Plague

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AKA: Keep your sick, fucking mongrels at home.

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Not even a week into the school year, and the elementary plague has hit my house. 
Parents, I know it’s hard to miss work, but it’s equally hard for me to watch my baby suffer because you choose to send your sick child to school.

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Haiku

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I did a haiku challenge a while back, and this is what resulted. Not my best work, but I also haven’t written poetry of any kind since high school (and you don’t need to know how long ago that was).

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