This is the next excerpt, taken from my Caring Bridge blog.
Life is funny that way
Written June 28, 2011 12:12pm
It’s amazing what will shake our faith in God. Debt, relationships, work, etc. The funny thing is, since I received this devastating news, my faith has grown. I have my moments of melancholy, but I am truly not afraid. I am not afraid of what is to come, be it procedures or the end. Don’t get me wrong, I have my worries. I worry about my husband and children. I worry about my family and friends. I worry about the women who have not gotten checked up, so don’t have any knowledge of the beast that may be lurking within.
I was not brought up in a faith based household, and I am still learning, but I do know that He wants me to give my worries to Him, and that is what I am trying to do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Written June 30, 2011 2:27pm
So, tomorrow is the big day! I will find out all(hopefully) of the things that I have been fretting about. What stage am I? Has it spread? What is my outlook? These 3 things have become sort of a mantra, as they are what I hear repeatedly in my head. I know that these are not the positive messages I should be thinking, but when you are in the dark about the seriousness of an illness, it’s hard to stay positive. I am hoping for the best, but am anticipating the worst. For those that don’t know me, this is my normal way of thinking. I like to call myself a cynical optimist.
I keep telling everyone that I am prepared for whatever happens. I guess I feel like if I say it often enough, I’ll start to believe it. I feel at a loss, and I hate that feeling. I am used to feeling in control, and it is hard for me to let God take the pilot seat. I’ve always been sort of a moment to moment type of person, but this has definitely made me not want to look too far into the future. The few times that I have, I broke down because of all the things that I would like to see. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow, but we all wish that we were…
Not quite, but almost as confused as I was before
Written July 1, 2011 2:04pm
I met my gyn-onc today, and he seems like a really nice guy(is it sick that I noticed how handsome he is?). I had a full pelvic exam(not for the weak hearted), and had him answer some questions.
As of right now, it is still a waiting game. I will have a pt/ct scan next week, to make sure the cancer has not metastasized. Once he has those results, and the results from the blood they drew today, we can discuss which will be done first, the surgery or the chemo/radiation. Yes, folks, I will have to have the whole enchilada. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well, right?
He did say that from the pathology report, and what he viewed today, it looks like I have Stage 1B1 or 1B2. In layman’s terms, these are cancers that can be seen without a microscope, but have not reached the lymph nodes. This is very reassuring to me, and other than them telling me “Hey! We made a mistake! There’s no cancer here!!”, this was the worst that I was hoping it would be.
So, my friends and family, this is the update for now. As soon as I get more info, I will let you all know. Keep the prayers coming, and don’t write me off, yet. I am strong. I am a fighter. I will get through this!